I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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