It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
