in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
