you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
