I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
