And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Randomize
