Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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