and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
if only i could text you this smell
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
