Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
