First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Randomize
