Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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