She just used a chaser for red wine.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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