Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
