guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
