dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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