trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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