Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Randomize
