i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
