drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
