I'm sorry my penis didn't work
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
