I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
