someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
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