i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
