So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
