I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
