You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
