Will you blow on my dice?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
The air was thick with penises
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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