life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Randomize
