You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
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