my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Randomize
