So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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