i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Pooping to opera.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
