Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
