i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
