You really coming over, don't trick.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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