She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
