dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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