I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
