Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
