I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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