what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You have to summon your inner elephant
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
