He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
