I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
