I wish my penis had an off switch
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
