Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
