Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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