i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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