Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
