Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
