I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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